So there I was in a crowded night club in celebration of a decision of mine to not leave California for New York. I'd been invited to go to New York to work as a hairstylist for fashion shows....I'd been all packed and ready to go when I started to get "this is not right" feeling in my gut. I felt really good about staying, better than I'd felt in a really long time. Called a buddy of mine and said I wanted to go somewhere new - Kismet, fate or whatever brought me to a nightclub thirty miles away. A very cute, exotic looking guy walked past, smiled at me over his shoulder and that was that. My future. He was so easy to talk to. He felt like 'home'. We exchanged phone numbers and I was living with him three months later.

He was a good, decent guy. The only thing I was not too happy about was that he wanted kids and as much as I had opened myself up to the whole 'relationship' thing - I still did not want to go down that road. He had two children from a previous relationship who lived with their mom. I thought he should be happy with his kids and not want more. But he wanted a baby with me. He quietly accepted my feelings and said he still wanted to be with me. We got married in 1997.

In the three and a half years of our relationship we had never discussed my cleft. I knew he had to have known it was there, but I never for a second felt self consious around him.

One afternoon we went out to eat and he blind-sided me with telling me how badly he wanted to have a baby with me. At first I got really, really mad. I mean, I had told him that I didn't want a baby a long time ago. What was he trying to do? I was confused, felt put in the hot seat and wanted to crawl under the table and cry. Why on Earth would he marry me and THEN tell me how important it was to him that we have a baby? Didn't he know me well enough to know that I was true to my word on EVERYTHING? So my mind was reeling but my voice was hiding somewhere in the pit of my stomach. He was so sweet and so gentle. He said he knew I was scared but if the baby was born like me the doctors could fix it. There it was on the table. He noticed my cleft after all. He knew the real reason why I didn't want to have kids. He was so much wiser than I had given him credit for. It wasn't really a matter of not wanting a baby....I was afraid. I wanted to choke him, hug him, laugh and cry all at the same time. Suddenly, for the very first time ever -I imagined being a mother. It felt good. We spent two hours in the cafe talking it over. We walked out holding hands. We'd come to the agreement that we would try in two years. I still (really) wanted more married time before baby.
That night I kept myself awake thinking all the thoughts I had never let myself do before. Holding a brand new life. Teaching that new life and watching her or him grow. I thought about all the scary stuff too. I went over all the 'what ifs' and came back to knowing my husband was right. They could fix it. I felt a new hapiness surge inside of me that I had never, ever known. But of course, I wasn't going to admit it. I still wanted more married time, more freedom time to travel, etc. before trying. (does that sound like one excuse after another?)

Two years later my husband reminded me of our agreement. OH CRACKERS!!! Two years already? Didn't we say three? (Whoa, time flies. Okay girlie, you need to get real with yourself and face up to it - you want this just as bad as him.)

I was 34 and we'd been trying for six months when it seriously looked looked it wouldn't happen. Didn't that figure? I was a chicken for so long that I blew my window of opportunity. Seemed the more we tried the more not pregnant I got. And then - one April afternoon.......I tested positive on the home pregnancy kit.

I was really, really happy. It was awesome to know that there was this tiny life - a soul that had chosen me to be her or his mommy. I had a very easy pregnancy. I never had morning sickness or swollen ankles. I took all the vitamins and ate all the right foods. At five months I did the first ultra sound. Of course, I wanted to know the sex of the baby but mostly I wanted to know if it were okay. They were able to tell me I was going to have a boy, but the facial images were not clear enough for me to tell the rest.

I went in for my 38 week check-up and the doctor told me that she wanted to watch me closely. The baby had stopped growing. At week 40 she scheduled inducement for the following Tuesday, December 10.

I was a bit concerned but I knew that it would be okay.

We had already decided on a name. Daniel John. I had a long talk with Danny the morning of December 10th. I told him that it was going to be a bit of a rough day, but it would be okay. That I was there for him and that I could hardly wait to hold him in my arms.

I recieved my first inducement tablet at 8:30 am. Nothing. I recieved my second tablet at noon. I started having contractions at 1pm. I had a nurse in there with me who seemed to be first day unsupervised. Aside from her shakey hands, and dropping things, I had to point out after a lot of discomfort that she had placed the IV and blood pressure cuff on the same arm. She straighted that out with apologies and had me roll to my right side.

Some time after that, a different nurse came in and noticed that Danny's heart rate had plummeted dangerously low. Next thing I knew I had a team around me, rolling me to the left side, putting oxygen on me, talking about heart rates and oxygen levels. Danny was in serious trouble. They stopped the inducement until his heart rate came back up.

I went back into hard labor and Danny entered the world at 5:16 pm.
The little guy wasn't breathing. My husband followed them to where they were working, counting the seconds. They counted all the way to sixty before Danny took his first breath and let out his first cry.

They brought him to me all wrapped up in his little blanket and hat. I will never forget pulling that blanket away from his face and looking down at that perfect top lip with that perfect little divet under his nose. He was beautiful. So beautiful that I couldn't believe he came out of me.

He would never have to go through what I went through. He would have a normal life (not that life is ever really 'normal'). The cleft ended with me.